Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A Lamborghini is like a beautiful woman, you don't just get in her and go. You have to know how to work the gears!

Wee Justin Bieber was spotted behind the wheel of a $200,000 Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder, a gift from P Diddy.  Apparently P.Diddy promised the pop phenom a car when he turned 16, but why hand a 16 year old the keys to a car that cost that much?
Why not hand the tyke the keys to a 1986 Buick with a Detroit steel reinforced frame? you know when he crashes it, and he will crash it, that the Buick will break the tree, the same can't be said for the lambo.
To me it's similar to when you loose your virginity, you want a girl who will work with you, you want someone who is comfortable with your fumbling around and searching for the right gear. You want the Buick.
Bieber driving around in the lambo is like loosing your virginity to a porn star, you can't get behind the wheel/porn star and take it for a ride, the lambo and the porn star are made up of highly advanced machinery, not to be played with by 16 year olds.
Buckle up Bieber, she looks like a wild ride.

Monday, July 26, 2010

You can take the man out of the cave, but you can't take the cave out of the man

This video proves one thing: heterosexual men will watch anything with boobs. 2 minutes and 38 seconds of complete garbage, that's the time I wasted on this video just in case there was a Janet esque clothing malfunction.
 Men have evolved over time from cavemen to presidents, fathers, athletes and astronauts. We have become civilized, we cut our hair and shave our stubble, we share parental responsibility, we coach youth soccer and we host fancy dinner parties with friends and distinguished guests.

 Who am I kidding we are still cavemen just better dressed and we like boobs, all types of boobs. We like them big, small, perky, sloppy, whatever. A man will watch any type of rubbish if there are boobs involved.

I might as well head  over to the doghouse, because that's where I will be tossed. Move over rover make room for Sausage.
ps. On a lighter note, does anyone know where I can buy Mrs. Sausage a sparkly getup like the one in the video?
Cheers, from the doghouse where I will be sippin' my single malt from the dog bowl.....

Thursday, July 22, 2010


I always wanted a pair of Oakley shades, but I could never justify whipping out $100 or more on glasses I would likely loose after a month.
 I found these crusty old buggers about 100 yards offshore on Siesta Key, southwest Florida.
They now sit proudly in my shop for me to tell the tale of when I braved the elements and sharks to fetch the Oakleys that I can never wear. Karma baby, karma...

Click on the pics for a better view of their crustiness

Monday, July 19, 2010

Keith Richards once blacked out drunk and when he woke up he had the classic song "Satisfaction" on a cassette player.

I had a good week, made some money and didn't have to shoot anyone, so on Friday night I decided to open a bottle of wine. Fourish glasses in I remembered just how light of a weekend loomed and I decided to polish off the bottle with a few tumblers of single malt whisky.

Those of you owning any Scottish blood will realize that many of us Scots like a wee dram now and again. This is a stereotype I can live with because most all of my family does take a wee drink and most of us can handle it.
I do not get out of control, beat my wife of kids or go into a Mel Gibson/Wallace/Lethal Weapon/Give me back my son type of rage..... Anymore.

During my liver drowning evening I must have decided to take a few notes, possibly for future blogs or just in case I didn't wake up the next morning.
So the next morning as the Colombian coffee was battling the Scottish whisky (Lo mucho que bebia - Piss of you wanker) this translates to a Juan Valdez type on a donkey being softly screamed  at by a crazed blue face highlander. I found my scribbles from the wet night before, here are some of the things I wrote.

1. Terri Garr is hot for the 80's, I like Mr. Mom.
2. We only had 1 fat kid in our entire school - why
3. Flounder have both eyes on the same side.
4. Why do people in Florida own tanning beds? weird huh.
And my favorite rambling scribble from that night was
Do research on porn stars:  do they feel anything, do they really orgasm.

I wonder if AA takes reservations?

Take yer coffee and shove it up yer arse!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I will trade you a six pack for that sausage

A pre-warning to all readers : I am in a weird mood, read on and you will likely agree..

I was shuffling around a grocery store list in hand, blissfully dreaming of the soft sofa and pixelated images of men kicking balls and spitting. I then remembered what I was supposed to be doing....

 The Sofa law of 1947 declared - On any given Sunday, a working man will have the legal right to lie down on the sofa, scratch himself at will and engorge his eyeballs with sport. Men will also be legally obligated to tune out all other distractions for at least a three hour period, depending on the sports region and the understanding that his spouse may want to cut his balls off and put them in her purse.

So, there I am mazing the aisles debating the merits of non-scented bleach and 3-ply tiolet paper. I was blinded by a crazy and really frightening idea, what if we were trapped in the store and had to occupy an aisle like a little kingdom. A nutbag reality show to see who could use and barter each others aisle goods? Can't be any worse than the vomit on the box today.

Which aisle would survive the longest? originally everyone would trade fast and furious canned goods for cheese, milk for bread, beer for coffee and so on.
In the end I assume the winner would be whoever occupied the tampon and toilet paper aisle, these being pure necessities of vanity and hygene that most of us would skip a meal or two for.

I just made an appointment with my doctor, I think I need my dosage adjusted.
Be back soon.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Shite wrapped in silk is still shite

Introducing the greatest marketing ploy of all time, here is the Vortex Bottle by Miller.

P.T. Barnum must have been spinning in his grave when this crack-whore of an ad campaign came out. Lets see if we can take a very average light beer and over value the product by making grooves in the bottle, the same bottle that will end up in a landfill the next day.
I wonder if the brewmasters vortex bottle fillers at Miller are ashamed every time this farce of a commercial runs, or are they laughing all the way to the bank knowing that all over the U.S. stoned frat boys are giddy while standing in line at the booze shop, just hard with anticipation of getting their paws on a vortex bottle.

I have lived here long enough to know that the taste of Miller Lite has not changed since 1984, that was when I had my first one (Sorry Mum and Dad) but I was thirsty.
I also would not turn one down on a hot day, but I am not daft enough to believe that the Vortex bottle somehow alters the taste by allowing the "Greatness" to flow out faster. I say BULLSHIT all the way.

Here is an example of great American beer, it has not changed since 1983, that was when I had my first six pack (Sorry Mum and Dad) I was bored and thirsty.
The Old Dog - Old Milwaukee, like the man said "It doesn't get any better than this"

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Psst. need a deal on a strip

So who Celt the jerseys?By GAIL CAMERON and GERRY DUFFY
story taken from the Scottish Sun. July 6th
BRAZEN thieves nicked thousands of pounds worth of Celtic stars' strips - after ransacking a special shipment of brand new kit.
The yobs raided a delivery of first-team tops set for Parkhead as they were flown in from Brussels.
They swiped 63 of next season's green and white jerseys - worth more than £3,600 - earmarked for Hoops aces including Artur Boruc and Scott Brown.
Last night it emerged the alarm was only raised when the load arrived at at Celtic Park on Sunday morning - when a courier noticed the boxes had been tampered with.
Furious Hoops staff then called in cops after discovering a pile of the jerseys had gone.
A source said: "People are always desperate to get their hands on the new kit, but this is taking it a bit far." Last night, police urged fans NOT to be duped into buying the stolen shirts on the black market.
The source added: "The 13 boxes with 544 shirts arrived at Glasgow Airport on Sunday from Brussels.
"Someone noticed some of the containers had been opened and resealed. When the delivery got to Celtic Park and was counted, it was discovered over 60 tops were gone.
"The missing shirts are worth about £3,685. The police are investigating but it's not clear exactly when the shirts were stolen."
Next season's home strip - bearing new sponsor Tennent's name - was officially launched by Celtic boss Neil Lennon last week and goes on sale next Wednesday.
A Strathclyde Police spokeswoman said: "Inquiries are ongoing." Last night Celtic declined to comment.
It's not the first time the club has been hit by a shocking theft.
In 2006 a Parkhead worker nabbed a strip from a shrine to Hoops legend Jimmy Johnstone after he died of motor neurone disease aged 61.

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Monday, July 5, 2010

I am telling Gordon Ramsay on you

Ana Maria Island on the west coast of Florida was my home for the last week, the gang and I took a wee break to recharge the batteries and soak up some west coast sun(It's a different sun from the east coast)
I always ask a local about where to eat usually bypassing the ads and brochures strategically placed to lure hungry tourists. One of the restaurants recommended was Mr. Bones BBQ, a kitschy little hole in the wall with good food and laid back atmosphere. It sounded like my type of place where anything goes and the fare was made up by a stoner during a flashback.
So off to Mr. Bones we went, bellies grumbling and cash in hand. We liked the little shack where you pick your own beer from an ice filled coffin, good start I thought. The menu was more complex that I had imagined with geographical musings from all over the globe- BBQ, Tex-Mex, Mongolian, Indian, New Orleans, Greek, Philadelphia, Congo and Mandarin. The only food item not on the complicated menu was: local? Located in the southern gulf I expected some local fish, shrimp, scallops, anything!
Now here is the plot to this wee story, the place was littered with signs stating "DON'T EVEN ASK" the staff paraded around with t-shirts ablazed with "DON'T EVEN ASK" another sign stated "Our food is expertly prepared by New Orleans trained chefs, no condiments needed, so don't even ask."
Big balls is what you need to make a statement like that, you are asking every patron that walks in the door to take it or leave it, so stand and you will now be judged by your grub.
It was shite......... BBQ spare ribs so dry I could have used them for kindling, curried rice from a frozen package and rubbery buffalo wings. I was begging for some sauce and salt, please allow me to alter the taste of this rubbish so that it is at least palatable.
I am no food critic and I don't even like the idea of trashing someones business, but if you have the arrogance to post signs like these then you better back your product with quality. I spent 80 of my hard earned dollars, I suggest you take my money and buy some salt and pepper and don't forget the damn sauce...
Gordon would not be amused, bollocks he would say.....