Monday, July 11, 2011

Voice Not Recognized

I bit the bullet and bought a new smart phone but who determines what is smart and what is not smart?
On said pocket laptop cell phone is an app for voice dialing, simply press the screen on the appropriate place and say what you want the phone to do. The tutorial for this is simple, it shows a young man about 25 casually walking down a busy New York street while walking a wee dog, his phone in one hand while he whispers gently to the electronic bastard "Call Cindy" next thing you see is dear Cindy answering the phone "We still on for tonight?" says the young tech savvy genius while casually strolling down 5th avenue on his way for a frappa cappa cup of  $6 coffee. 
Well if this Manhattan metro sexual can do it so can the Sausage, right? WRONG.
Apparently when the pocket protector crowd were in the midst of making the world a better place they forgot one thing - 

I speak gently to my beloved phone "Call Jake" the command beams from my mouth and the satellites buzz with possible actions and return this -"Call the police" WTF? call the police no, I am trying to call my youngest bairn (Jake) while driving and eating at the same time how bloody safe is that. So I try again
softer this time and with a wee bit of southern drawl mixed in for good measure I say the words "Call Jake cell"
The result - Open barcode scanner. Again WTF I am now yelling at my new beloved device "Why would I need a barcode scanner while driving? can I scan the wrapper of the fast food to see how many calories I scarfed between red lights?
That evening I dove in to the tutorial and saw that the available languages on the phone were the usual suspects for a pre loaded device and are apparently based on salad dressing sales - English, Italian, French, Russian, Chinese and so on but no Scottish. No Dundonian or Glaswegian, anyone out there want to join me in the grassroots effort to have a new app available - Voice recognition for Scots? I know at least 5 million people who could use it.
Here is an example of what I am talking about, two Scots stuck in an lift (elevator) trying voice commands.
Peace, Sausage...


  1. Scottish nearly as hard as Irish......11......11!

  2. Hey there Sausage.. I can so relate to this ... having arrived in the States two months ago I too purchased myself a new smart phone and for the life of me I can't get the fricking thing to do a thing I want.

    regarding the two guys in the lift - I posted that video on my blog a whilst back - it attracts a fair amount of traffic.

    keep the faith bro

  3. Those things don't recognize English english either. I have a friend from the Midlands who has the same problem with his phone (he's up here in Canada). He yells at it a lot...

    I think they only recognize American. I'm sure my phone has voice dialing but I've never tried it. I wonder if it knows Canadian???

  4. Dollop - welcome to the US, a pint is on the agenda if you make your way down tae Fla..

  5. Ponita - You need the Bob and Doug MacKenzie book of Canadian to American translations. Eh

  6. That app would probably be created by an American and it will most likely yell back at you slowly. "DO YOU UNDERSTAAAND EEENGLISH?".

  7. Swallow your pride and speak English:)

  8. American English or English English?
    aw scew it ELLUVEN......

  9. I can just imagine Rab C. tryin' one! :¬)

    (Welcome back!)

  10. I discovered this video last week along with the Parliamo Glasgow videos from way back and I had to wipe the tears away from laughing so much.

  11. Daft Scots - take a wee look at the Rab C

  12. I'm the same with my google voice thingymajig, it doesn't do Scots accents. Can you imagine my embarassment as I'm walking doon Lothian Road talking into ma phone in the worst American accent ever!!! Has that book arrived yet mate?
    Burnistoun is sair ribs funny.

  13. That is so funny to me! It's not a problem that any self-absorbed Yank would ever think about.

  14. Ryan - Got the book today, thanks again. The wee man is completely absorbed....

  15. UB -Wait until the new Scots app is available, then you will be walking in Central Park listening to this: "Find a good pub on Broadway you bastard....Freeeedoooommmmm."

  16. We don't need angry scottish men running down the streets yelling FREEEDOM into their phones like the closing scene of brave heart.
    good luck saus.

  17. Y'all should be Texan. We put two or three syllables into a one syllable word.

    Help = hell-uh-yup.

    See whayut I mean?

  18. Eh Leh Vun.

    :-) I saw that video clip about a year ago and am still smiling...


  19. LOL That was too funny! Just visiting from BPOW.

  20. This post made my day. I don't think I have much of an accent, but those things don't work for me. I always end up yelling at my phone and looking crazy. It's easier to just program a speed dial. I found you through BPOTW and am so happy I did. -Lola from

  21. Lola - glad you got a wee giggle, good luck with the phone...