Friday, April 15, 2011

Attention HOA - FU

Mr. Sausage, cut the grass, fix the fence, take down that flag. Or else!
  

Does anyone know if the Tardis is available? I might need it to take a wee jaunt back in time.
For those of you reading this that don't know about the Tardis

Back in 2006 or as I call it when people had money to spend the better half and I bought a new home in a deed restricted community with a home owners association (HOA) The HOA included many covenants and rules which at the time seemed to be logical and sensible, of course the community was not finished and the covenants were only paper rules without a human to enforce them. Now the community is finished, promises of a gated community, pool, playground and other assorted sales bullshit went out the window with the construction crews and the neighborhood HOA was turned over to actual human residents. 

I don't know about you but I am not the type of person to run for a board position for a HOA, It seems to me that the prototypical HOA board member is a self loathing son of a bitch that was never was invited to prom and is now hell bent on making sure that his/her neighbors grass is not higher that the 3.25" level as stated in covenant rule 4.3/landscaping. 

How I wish I could jump in said Tardis and fly back to 2006 when we closed on this house and calmly get up and walk of the sales presentation, but alas the Tardis is probably busy and I am dealing with the neighborhood version of Attila the Hun. A few months back the HOA sent out letters to the community stating that the border fence is in need of replacement, then went about passing a covenant stating that each homeowner is responsible for maintaining their own section of fence. Well how bloody convenient noticing that just in time for the the homeowners to have to dip into their own pockets and save your fucking HOA a few thousand. Bastards....
Part two of this rant - we had a mother of a storm here the other night and guess who's fence blew down, yup yours truly is one of 3 or 4 homeowners that were back doored by the lovely consideration of the HOA.

Some of the other rules and regulations of the local Gestapo HOA are as follows:
We have a beautiful lake that the kids are not allowed to fish, visit, walk around or even look at, no yard signs or flags, landscape changes to property must be approved by the Landscape Board, basketball hoops are frowned upon and when the neighborhood kids play hide and seek the local police are called in for a "Disturbance"


Down the road in Orlando, Fl. a local HOA tried to enforce one of the saddest and most ridiculous covenants of all time -  get ready for it - here it comes-
CHILDREN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY OUTSIDE.

Can you believe that? telling little Johnny that he can't ride his bike for fear of the $100 fine for playing outside, sounds like a rule sponsored by X-BOX or the Cartoon Network. I don't abdicate violence here but if approached by a neighborhood Nazi trying to enforce that rule fists would fly and blood would spill. If desirous of a stepfordian lifestyle then be my guest but this average man will never again own a home in a neighborhood with other peoples rules.

America was once the land of the free and the home of the brave but in 2011 do we need to change that to: the land of the restricted and the home of the covenants?  Fly your flags people.......fly your flags.

Here is the story of the local HOA trying to ban kids from playing outside

  
I feel a fine coming!
















PS. The benefits of membership - annual payments of about $600 from 75 homes to the HOA. We pay the dues so you fix the damn fence!!!



36 comments:

  1. More like a land of rules and restrictions. Heaven forbid we have to deal with each OTHER rather than let someone's rules take care of it for us...

    There are neighborhoods, I've heard, that don't allow clotheslines. No drying your clothes on the line in your backyard! How stoopit is that?!

    Pearl

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  2. Let me know when you get ahold of the Tardis. Some things I'd like to do over too.

    And yeah, fly that flag Sausage!

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  3. Pearl - stupid is as stupid does
    Goddess - I will fly it to CT when in hand

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  4. That's what happens when people think they are in charge it goes to their heads, next they'll be designing uniforms, feck them and fly the flag.

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  5. Lurker - some may say "Jackbooted thugs"

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  6. OMG! Ridonk! Obviously...kids not being able to play outside...beyond words.

    On one hand, I wish I had a HOA to fall back on. (Because my neighbors have grass so high, I think there are missing people in there.) But no--I would absolutely lose it if I had to deal with all of that.

    A big fawk you to the HOA!!

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  7. Boobies - dammed if you do and dammed if you don't
    cheers, Sausage...

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  8. What a load of BOLLIX!

    A friend of mine has a wife who frowned upon her new neighbours choice of window dressing! The newbie put up net curtains, (like me, he probably doesn't want all and sundry seeing him watchin' the tv in his knickers, and havin' a good auld scratch while he's at it!)

    "It takes the whole look off the neighbourhood!" Says she.

    "Get used to it!" says he!

    (Is it St. Andrew's flag?)

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  9. Bloody hell, it's one thing to make sure the neighbourhood is nice but this is going way too far. It's houseproud facism.

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  10. Map - I am glad to hear I am not the only male proud enough to admit a havin' a wee scratch now and then.

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  11. Tony - Nice one mate, good phrase...

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  12. That's just bloody ridiculous!! What is the world coming to these days, that people think the environment they live needs to sterile and uniform and utterly devoid of character??? Which seems to them to include the people that live there. What a bunch of idiots. I'd be very tempted to move if it were me...

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  13. Pon - I wish I could afford to.

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  14. i am in a bit of a tiff with my HOA. communication consisted of periodic bad newsletters that always said the following: Pick up your dog turds, don't park on the grass, turn your outside water on/off for the proper season, no construction/landscaping without approval.

    i volunteered to write a better communication device - and had the balls to suggest the following:

    a) e-mail, since everyone uses it
    b) stop just yelling at us, and maybe add some articles about changes in property value over time, tips from a real estate agent for maintaining value in a condominium, etc.
    c) a listing of HOA members e-mail addresses
    d) and lots of other suggestions for improving communication...

    i was told: nah. we don't wanna. we just want to bark at y'all. put the barking in a newsletter. oh, and pretty it up with some autumn clip art, like ghosts or leaves or something.

    so i said "Then quit yer bitching about the lack of help, you uptight douchenozzles. i shan't volunteer again".

    good luck, mr. sausage...

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  15. Found via FUF and first let me say I am now following for not other reason than you wish you had a Tardis. That has been a dream of mine for a very long time. That and it wouldn't hurt to be a time lord but moving on before I sound like to much of a fan geek. =)

    We currently live in a POA (same as a HOA but swap Home for Property) and how I hate it. I like that it keeps out the riff-raff but oh-mi-gosh. While we don't pay that high in dues (yet!) we do have to pay a fee to go on the local parks/walking trails/golf courses/swimming pools. This is usually in the form of a member card. 15 a year for a piece of paper that says you live here (25 if you want a pic. you would think this keeps you from having to pay a fee to use the facilities but nope, still have to pay an arm and a leg to golf/swim/boat(canoe!)/fish and so on.

    I can't wait to get out of here. I will never buy in a POA/HOA again.

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  16. That totally blows. My brother has battled his HOA for years. It's beyond ridiculous. It's your house, your lawn, your property. Common sense would dictate that you should thereby be able to do whatever you damn well pleased. However, when have rules and regulations ever be dictated by common sense???

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  17. Rules are meant to be drunken. Hic.

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  18. NOW how do you feel about your relocation to the U.S.? Eh?! I'm betting that this is something you never, in a million years, thought you'd encounter in the land of the free(ish).

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  19. Self-loathing son of a bitch...there's plenty of them in my street!

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  20. Sounds like it's time for you residents to get together and revolt. First you have to unite!

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  21. Daisy - Ridiculous that they would not listen to ANY advise - fight the good fight my dear...

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  22. Darling girlfriend - Keep an eye on the sky for said blue police box. Good luck...

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  23. Mountain Witch - maybe never!!!!
    cheers...

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  24. Jimmy - been there done that, will repeat often
    cheers...

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  25. UB - relocation? more like kidnapping.

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  26. Mike - other than our love of Scottish football we have other things in common it seems
    cheers...

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  27. Pat - might be time to apply the blue face paint and dust off the old kilt and claymore.
    cheers...

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  28. i want to play outside :D fuck the xbox

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  29. Never mind flying the flag, you should fly a For Sale sign mate.

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  30. email me your postal address to info@redpepa.za.net

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  31. oh, dear! your HOA sounds just like the one where my daughter has a home! there must be a national HOA clearinghouse where all those little rules and regulations are formulated and passed down!

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  32. and i vote with pat - homeowners, unite!!! stand up, act out! let your grass grow, let your children play hide and seek day and night and let your doggies run free!! let freedom ring!!! ;)

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  33. I would never ever by a house with an HOA. Ever.

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