Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Ass Cheeks Firmly Clenched

For my friend Mapstew and his pending exercise dilema

The gym I belong to is not cool, it is definately not hip and it is far from awesome. It is a swim and racquet club usually inhabited with crusty old curmudgeons and the last time I saw a pair of tits that did not hang low was the day the guest swim instructor came to visit. That being said it is very affordable, in fact it is down right cheap. I have spent many years and dollars in the awesome nightclubish gyms with the ultra tanned Adonis dudes and the almost zero body fat thong up the ass spinning class chicas. The atmosphere in these gyms is tense like being at a bar where everyone else better looking, more fit and wealthier. Thankfully I no longer have the need or desire to appear "Cool" and my current gym albeit god's waiting room will suffice.

Last night I strolled in about 6:30 and noticed that all of the elliptical machines were occupied so I jumped on the treadmill and ploughed on. On my left was a young, fit, attractive lady about my age, strange I thought, who is this youngling in the midst of such aged wisdom? anyway I said hello and kept on. Five minutes into the workout here comes another young lady, very attractive about 38ish, brunette, non-saggies and everything else in the right place in the right proportions if you know what I mean. So there I was in the middle of two attractive ladies about my age enjoying a nice run on the treadmill. Being a happily married man and not following the Tiger Woods doctrine I had no intentions with these two ladies, it was just nice to be in the company of people my same age at the god's waiting room gym. The problem I had with this situation was that 15 minutes into the workout with blondie on my left and the brunette on my right - I HAD TO FART...........

Usually in the god's waiting room gym farting is no problem, old men and women fart at ease and out in the open. An old man lifting a dumbbell and blasting away is just another night at the god's waiting room gym, but why of all nights did I have to try to sneak a wee blaster out while sandwiched between a hot blond and a sexy brunette of my generation?

Have you ever tried to run on a treadmill while keeping you ass cheeks firmly clenched?
Have you ever wished that two young attractive women next to you were old and hard of hearing?
Have you ever wished that the god's waiting room gym offered free I-pods with the world's biggest headphones?

Nothing worked not the twisting from side to side, not the hopping on one foot routine, nothing.
I can only hope that tonight when I walk into the god's waiting room gym that the usual cast of characters is there, please no hot blondes or sexy brunettes of my generation, please........


  1. Ha ha! Squeezing that hard will get you buns of steel, isn't that the whole purpose of working out?

  2. Oh gawd! I'm like that at work sometimes... Lots of the patients think nothing of lettin' it rip while they spin on the dialysis machines for a few hours. If I really need to let one go myself, I have been known (but only to myself) to sidle up along side one of them, and let a bit of wind fuff out as quietly as possible. We have a couple of old guys who are just pure rankness! So it disguises anything anyone else does completely!

    Email me (on my profile) any time you want to chat about all things horsey. More than happy to!

  3. Chilean W. - I guess having buns of steel is not so bad, but being able to control them would be better.
    Ponita - Just like me at the gym - blame it on the old folks. Cheers, we are looking at a horse this weekend

  4. one of the reasons i miss miss daisy being around, sugar! xoxoxo

  5. One of the funnier fart stories I've ever heard.

  6. Being the only male, (and therefore the ONLY one who farts?) in a household of five, it amazes me how the gentle(r) sex survive at all! My four girls are SO used to my fartifications they don't notice anymore! Their future husbands owe me SO much! :¬)

  7. Advice from an old lady... DO NOT clench... it will make the fart long and high pitched...

    Young people can just relax the asshole and let it out silent but deadly... when the smell waifs up... give who ever is closer a dirty look..

    This means you would have to choose between the blonde or brunette.. somebody has to take the blame and the shame....

    When you get old.. this doesn't work.. we old folks can't relax the old sphincter without shitting ourselves... just happened to me again today.

  8. Try yoga sometimes. Hot, silent room, various contortions, and no where to hide...


  9. It took me a minute to realise this was a repost! (I've commented already??)

    Went on a tour of gyms today and found one I like in a hotel not too far away. Big, new, clean, bright,and best of all, quiet! Only two other guys workin' out. And the pool was empty of swimmers too. :¬)