Monday, September 13, 2010

The Talk of all Talks

I have done a lot of scary things in my life - bridge jumping on the Miami Causeway, standing on the Broughty Ferry tracks as the Flying Scotsman approached, responding honestly to the question "Do these jeans make my ass look big?" and having the "Talk" with my pre-teen child.
As a father of a pre-teen boy I had to sit down and have "THE TALK" with him after my wife and I noticed a change in his demeanor around girls and the fact that he was taking showers for longer than it takes to wash and condition an elephant. I took the afternoon off work and picked him up from school with pizza in hand, ready to soften the blow of "Hey son sit down we need to talk."
I practiced the talk all day and even had pages of notes in hand in case he had any quickfire questions. We both sat down outside and I slowly leveled the bomb of the topic, he did not even bat an eyelash as if he knew this day would come and he had also prepared for it.
I admitted to him that I was a little embarrassed about the whole topic but it was necessary, especially in this day and time.
We discussed body parts, slang words, protection and much more, It took me about 45 minutes then I opened the floor to him for any questions. As expected he he did not have any questions at this time, but assured me that if he did he would bring them right to good old Dad. I expect if he does have any questions he will google them or pull up the good old youtube.
I am marking the "Talk" down as one of my Dad moments in life, one to look back and laugh at during my pending Grandpa days.
That night I poured myself a nice big whisky and sat down to ponder just how fast kids grow, one minute you are bringing him home from the delivery room, the next thing you realize is you just talked to him about boobs.
Carpe diem cuz tempus fugit.


  1. i cant believe it. i remember the day he was born, and it doesnt seem too long ago. He might need advice from Unk G on how to treat the ladies...

  2. Keep your dirty Edinburgh shaggin' advice to yourself, we don't want the bairn learning any of your old "Dirty South" antics
    cheers, baj

  3. "he was taking showers for longer than it takes to wash and condition an elephant"


  4. I also remebmer the day the ladd was born. Whatever you do....keep Ticher away from him....let Unk Ross teach him how to properly handle the ladies.

  5. Ross, given the choice of sex advice from the Edinburgh shag machine or the Lighthouse Point virgin killer, I am leaning towards the Tiger Woods school for boys.
    But I love you both anyway.

  6. Now if you want dirty Edinburgh shagging advice...

  7. Just be thankful you don't get your sex advice from a Chilean man!