Friday, May 27, 2011

A Hairy Situatiuon

I was having a conversation with a crazy person soccer mom last week about how her son's footballing ability and demeanor changed as soon as he hit puberty. According to her the boy became bigger, faster, stronger and more aggressive on the pitch.
My son had a tough season, he was 12 turning 13 playing in the 16 year old division and played with caution and a bit of fear. Understandably when you are still 12 years old and watch your opponents drive up to the match in cars you only dream about having 4 years from now I can see where the slight hesitation comes in, some of the boys were over 6' tall and some had wee moustaches

Now being raised on the frozen and muddy pitches of Dundee and having the moniker of "The bigger they are the harder they fall" drilled into the noggin by age 6, I wanted my boy to go out there and "Gattuso" his way about, show those big lads who is the cock of the walk - age 12 and all.....

His mother and I have noticed the typical changes for a 12-13 year old boy such as.. the deeper voice, his propensity for long showers and his general disposition for most things parental. That being said we are still left wondering that one burning question - is there any growth in the forest? does the onion bag have any scruff? do the dangles have carpeting? or in other words does the boy have any hair on the sack yet?
I have not bathed him since he was a baby and this type of inquiry can send shock waves through the child/parent dynamic. How do I bring the subject up?
Hey son how was school today can you pass the rolls and bye the way do you have hair on your balls yet? 
Not wanting to be one of those ultra overbearing dads, I did the most reasonable thing that came to mind - I asked my wife to find out.......
I got the look - you out there deep in the bounds of holy matrimony know the look. The look can stop a buffalo at twenty paces, skin it and use its hide as a blanket for a man to cover his ass while sleeping on the couch.
The look can soften even the most hardened man (No pun intended). Yes, that look.
So the quest continues to find out if the boy has any growth downtown, all I want is for him to hit that mark so he can push back a wee bit on the pitch. All of this under the guise of football growth not hair growth. 
Bloody football, how I love you so.....

No doubt early puberty was the reason! for this noggin


  1. This was flipping hilarious!!!!

  2. Good grief, that's some quest:D

  3. hmmmmm....i have one son and he played football - but i don't remember ever wondering that at all - ever - still - ever - ever - or ever -

    so this is just a y chromosome thing???

  4. I vaguely remember - with two sons - puberty. What I do remember is that over a period of time they changed from maddening little so and so's to young men it was a delight to have around.
    It didn't happen overnight. Be patient:)

  5. Same as Sir Map. All daughters, thank you.

    Do you mean to say, "Does he have any hair on his balls" literally? Or are you speaking of the metaphor, "Does he have any courage yet?"

  6. No kids. No idea. But I smiled at the description of "the look'!!! ;-)

  7. ha - don't you hate the experession soccer, make football seem to uggh and Americanized

  8. Mike Smith28/5/11 3:48 AM

    SF - do you remember the Saudi Arabia team that won the Under 16 World Cup in Scotland in 1989? Most of them had facial hair - in fact I'm sure a couple had full grown beards...

  9. easy. boys get hair under their arms around the same time they get sack hair growth. check his pits.

  10. Trash - cheers mate...
    Map - good luck mate...
    Gypsy - it's all about football....real football
    UB - both...
    Ponita - As a female I am sure you have the look..
    David - aye but after 20 years of fighting it I have come to accept the word...I still cringe though.
    Mike - we should have won that one, they cheated for sure...
    Daisy - I will ask him to reach for the ceiling...

  11. I like the idiom "cock of the walk" and I shall attempt to introduce it into our vernacular here in the States.

  12. I was at the semi final in 89 when 15 year old Christian Dailly led us to victory against Luis Figo's Portugal. As for the cheating Saudi's, I don't know what was bigger their adams apples, their beards or their big 20 year old hairy bawbags!!!

  13. Ryan - Ah yes a semi final something we(Scots) have not seen in an age....
    I wonder if we will ever qualify for anything before the coffin lid is closed and the dirt is thrown on top of old Sausage?

  14. My son showed up TELLING me he'd grown public hair right around 6th grade. :-) We celebrated with ice cream...


  15. Pearl - Ben and Jerry's rain forest delight?

  16. LMAO!!! Great the pube references!

    In my son is 13 and was PROUD to announce the arrival of his first pubic hair. Should I have gotten him a gift or something?

  17. grief - I can't even imagine how bad my boys will be when puberty hits!! I certainly won't be wanting to go anywhere near their sacks to find stuff like that.

    And where exactly do wives learn that look? They all do it - it can't be a coincidence can it?

  18. Glen - all in the name of football...
    all the ladies have "The look" it is a female hereditary trait.
    Cheers, Sausage..